Are you happy?

Am I a weak person? 

Yes I guess. 

For a long time my happiness depends on people, on things, on circumstances. I've been lucky that so far my life has been good, with little misfortunes and sad things happening to me. And I guess it is because of that, that I've become like this, lazy to grow, to move forward. 

Yes my life has been stagnant for a long time, and I've been too blinded and too lazy to change the way things are. I was comfortable being this way, because why not? Things work out, so why bother. 

I guess now the wake up call has come. Being suddenly thrown out of all proportions and I've no idea what to do, it just stress me out and depress me deeply. 

No. I've let this situation on for too long I guess. Now is the time to finally snap out of it and stop whining. Yes I've become the person that I hate, and no wonder I was miserable. 

My happiness does not depend on others.

My happiness does not depend on things. 

Nor does my happiness depend on circumstances.

It depends on me, and I am the one in charge of it. 

To be happy or not is up to me. 

I am responsible for my own life. 

Nothing or no one else is.

Do You?

How many people you met in life that actually know you for you, or even more than you know yourself.

And you know there's no need for words or expressions, they'll just, know. 

Leisure Day

Omelette // orange juice 

And so my favorite day of the week is here again. What better way to spend t well than to cook home cook food and just relax doing the things I love. 

Recipe for omelette:

2 eggs

2 sausages

1 slice of cheese

1 green pepper

3 tablespoons of milk

Seasoning

Cooking oil

1. Diced up green pepper and sausages and fry until sausages turn brown.

2. While waiting, beat up eggs with milk.

3. Add in mixture of eggs and milk to sausages and green pepper and add seasoning.

4. Add in small slices of cheese and serve after cheese melted. 

Book by its cover

Funny. How sometimes people are told not to judge someone by appearances, or book by its cover, but they still do. They judge you based on the way you look, the way you dress, or sometimes even the way you eat. 

Just because I eat a lot and is still bone skinny doesn't mean I'm aneroxic.

Just because I dressed tomboyish doesn't mean I am.

Just because I look nice doesn't mean I am as well, lol. 

Life has its way of surprising you at the most unexpected moments. Just when you think you've finally reach the end of your rope doesn't mean you're done. Life too, has a habit of throwing things at you that makes you unlock your potential. 

Next time you're thinking of judging someone, or something, just remember how ugly once that caterpillar looked before turning into a beautiful butterfly. 

d i r e c t i o n

There is an empty bottle, floating in the sea, going where the waves carry. Sometimes a gigantic wave will carry it high into the air, and it’ll feel exhilarated. Sometimes a gigantic wave will dash it down under into the depths of the sea, where darkness and depression overwhelms. But because an empty bottle is light and almost weightless, it will always find its way to the surface, floating once again in and out of the waves, with no direction, just going where the current takes. Until maybe one day, it will either be dashed into a million pieces on a rock, or the currents will carry it to a shore.

Lately

sausages // fried eggs with green pepper // orange juice

feeling sort of unsettled lately. was feeling restless as well about life in general. well, my life to be exact. and i envisioned myself doing what i do now everyday, no i cant. not the same thing over and over again, staying in a place where you neither move forward or backward. is what i am doing right now my passion? no it's just something that i know how to do. something that i've studied for and passed at. 

so what do i want to do with my life? 

that is the question i've been asking myself since i graduated high school. and finishing college just help eliminate one thing that i know im not pasisonate about. 

Stories

Always love happy endings. Especially if the love interests has a misunderstanding in the middle lol. Suckers for happy endings. 

He

He...who knows your every smile and frown

He...who knows your every little gesture

He...who understands that silence means more than words at times

He...who will be there without fail when you need him to be

He...knows you better than you know yourself

He...knows how to take care of you

He...who will never raise his voice at you

He...who knows what touches your heart 

He...knows when to leave you alone and when to be near you

He...who never complains about his frustrations but bear all with dignity and pride

He...who never whines about things that doesn't go his way

He...who knows what is right and upholds it

He...who stands up for himself

He...who does all things quietly, never looking for praise 

He...who shoulders all responsibilities and bears all burden with quiet dignity 

He...who is wise

He...who is kind and gentle

He...who is patient 

He...who is considerate 

He...who dares to admit when he's wrong

He...where everyone could count on and lean on

He...who is loyal

He...who is not insecure nor jealous

He...whose heart is big to forgive and love

He...who earns respect rather than demands it

He...who is far sighted in all things 

He...who is happy, content, at peace with himself and the world 

He...who even his enemy respects him

He...who takes good care of himself 

He...who is straightforward 

He...who knows when to do what 

He...has self confidence 

He...will never be happy at the expense of others 

He...will always listen 

He...never judges

He...is not spiteful

He...is not pretentious 

He...who always keep his words 

He...who is honest

He...who appreciates all things

He...doesn't even exist 

Lol.

Lately

Sausages // fried mashed potatoes // orange juice 

When laziness and hunger fight with each other. Simple dinner breakfast style. 

A lot of thoughts have been going through my mind lately. Most of it about God and the world. Some of it about life. The more I thought about all these, the more I feel I should at least make a stand for what I believed in. You know, sorta like let it all out. Maybe when I've organize my cluttered thoughts into neat piles then I'll start. But in the meanwhile, complaints? Lol.

Life is full of complaints. Too early, too hungry, too hot, too tired, too lazy. Work has been kinda tiring lately I'm not sure whether it's due to the inactivity that I'm tired of doing nothing, waiting for patients to come, or because I'm lacking in stamina due to lack of exercise that I get tired easily. Exercise. Yes I'll have to get down to that too.

Lotsa things to do. So little energy to do them. Maybe next time?

b e l i e f s

no matter what i believe in, or what i support, i have stood up for it. and in the process i have been insulted because of it, it does not matter. because at the end of the day, it is not between me and them, it is between them and God.

no. i do not pretend to be holy or know what is right in God's eyes. and no, telling the world what is wrong or right is not judging, merely stating a fact. i would've thought if those who are open minded about a lot of things would be open minded about different opinions and beliefs as well. but no. the world is the same place from the beginning of time till now. when people doesn't agree with us does it mean they are against us? you talk about discrimination against homosexuals but what about discrimination against those who speak out different views on it?

the US supreme court has legalised gay marriages and i do not support it. that is the stand i make and since there is freedom of choice and speech, i, too have the right to stand up for what i believed in. 

Story of a girl

She was only two or three when her parents left her at the babysitter's for a week or two as they have some things to do. Maybe if they had explain to her that they will be back for her things wouldn't be so bad. But who'd have thought a two-year old would understand right. Everyday she'd stand by the window and look outside, waiting for her parents to come. She'd dream about them, wondering why they're still not there to pick her up. Sometimes she'd cry, especially when the babysitter joked that her parents don't want her anymore. But a toddler take things very seriously. She thought it was true.

Years after, the little girl was about four or five. She and her sisters' bedroom was adjoining to their parents' so every time her mom woke up early to go to the market, she'd wake up as well and asked to go together. Maybe partly it was because she wanted to accompany her mom, but mostly because she wanted to make sure her mom will return after her marketing. There was once she woke up just in time to hear her mom's car drove out of the driveway and she tore down the stairs after her mom so that at least she'll be able to go with her but alas it was too late. The car was gone and she was devastated. Crying, not knowing what to do, she waited outside for her mom to return, praying that she'll return. And even though she felt like peeing she daren't go inside but let it out by the drain in the house just in case her mom comes back. When finally her mom came back, asking her why was she out there, the little girl just replied, "I was waiting for you"

Years after, when the little girl was in kindergarten, and when she went for her piano lessons, always her mom will face one problem every time she dropped her off. The little girl will cry and clung on to her mom everyday every time just because she was afraid that her mom will leave her there and won't come back for her anymore. 

Years after, when the girl was eleven or twelve, she had a terrible nightmare. She woke up in bed, sweating all over, and feeling bad for the quarrel with her mom earlier. She felt so sorry, and was suddenly afraid what if her mom was gone forever, she would never have the chance to take care of her and make her mom happy. And so she close her eyes tight and prayed to God with all her heart, that He will give her time. Time to take care of her mom as her mom is getting older. 

Years after, when the girl was in college, far from home and family, feeling homesick, she prayed to God once again to give her time. Time to take care of her mom as her mom is getting older.

Years after, when the girl was working, far from home and family, she woke up suddenly to a dream about her family. Remembering suddenly all these years her prayer to God to give her time so that she could take care of her mom as she is getting old, she came to a decision. A decision for the first time in her life she decided on her own without anyone interfering. She will quit her job and go home. Back to where her family is, to take care of them. 

After all, careers can be rebuild. But those whom you love when they are gone they will be gone forever. And the girl who had grown from a toddler to a woman realized that once more, praying to God to give her time, she will go back to her family before time runs out and she has only her regrets to live with. 

crossroads

decisions after decisions

all lead to different paths

this one i'm sure

i decide it on my own

with no one to persuade or dissuade

and if i regret it will be on my shoulders

but i know

i will not

Strings

And I never let myself get too attached to things on earth because one day, they will all be gone.

my sister

Hearing his brother singing, makes me remember how my sister used to sing as well. I can't remember what happened or when things happened to make it stop, but yeah, she stopped singing. When we sang as well she'd shut us up. I can't remember since when she has hide into her own shell so much that even singing or hearing others sing bothers her.

I miss those times when we'd put the video tape on the volume high to sing along with the songs we like. And for each tape we'd say which song is our turn to sing and we'd sing at the top of our voices until even the neighbors could hear.

I miss singing together at the top of my voice with my sister. I miss quarreling about which song to sing with my sister. Most of all, I miss the person in my sister who used to be open, cheerful, happy, and kind. All the silliness we'd be having. And I'd give anything to go back to the time where everything changed to stop it so that my sister can continue be the cheerful, happy and kind self she used to be.

钢琴

掉落的泪

碎了的心

只有我和钢琴知道

那些年 我们之间的秘密

sloth

this feeling of restlessness
feels like i should be doing something productive
but then again
i've wasted whole morning by just lying there
fingers itching to paint
to do patchwork
to knit
to read
to do whatever as long as it's nothing
and ended up
i did just that lol
oh help!

reminiscing

it was the smell of a gentle morning breeze that brought these flashbacks.

of us all.

...when we're little and our parents young. we woke up early with preparations and all to go on a picnic. just think. it used to be simpler things that made us happy. mom brought food. we brought along our painting stuff and games. we went to the forest reserve and had a picnic under the pavilion in the middle of the lake after a walk around the reserve. it was raining. the radio was on. we were painting and enjoying the food. we three plus mom and dad.


...when we're at the beach with dad's then company trip having drawing competitions (which i somehow or other always got the first place for my category lol) and games and family activities together. of us grumbling about bugs. of us barbecuing at night by the beach chewing on chicken wings while fanning off mosquitoes.


...of us when we're all up early, packed in the car ready to go on a church group picnic together. having games and barbecue as well. of friends, of songs, of swims by the small stream, of long hours of car trips.

it was the smell of a gentle morning breeze that brought me down memory lane. and yes those were fond memories. simple happy things that makes us happy, just being together with your family. it is a pleasure that i no longer have the privilege to indulge in.

bit of rain here maybe?

dear rain,

i pray that you come in abundance to this parched land. bless this land with your gentle kisses, even not so gentle ones i do not mind, as long as you grace us with your presence. 

sincerely,

one who miss your presence dearly

dear sun,

your presence to us has been awesome and it has bring cheers especially to our laundries. however if you would be so kind as to tone down a shade of your cheerfulness that would be great. if you would also kindly ask miss rain on a date together that would be even better. 

sincerely,

one who is longing for rain

and guess what? it rained. :) - updated 10-03-2015 8.26pm

i know who holds tomorrow

it wasn't much, but it meant a lot to me, today's 'incident'.

i was all ready downstairs waiting for my friend to pick me up for church and seeing that he wasn't there i sorta kinda had a feeling he overslept, and he did. mass was at 6pm and he reached my place ard 5.45pm what with the possibility of jam and normal journey to church usually takes ard 15 mins with free traffic, i had succumb to the thought that i'd be late for mass.

as i was on the way, i imagine telling myself that probably i'll be walking in after the entrance hymn or so and my mind screamed at the idea of missing it. yes there might be no seats in front for me, or i might miss the prayer before mass, or the angelus, but to sing the hymns in mass was one of my favourite mass moments and i prayed that the Lord would somehow let me be in time.

so when i reach church it was ard 6.05pm and i knew im late for everything. but driving in, seeing the servers still outside, my heart just gave a disbelief leapt of joy. truly the Lord is kind to me and He knows me and loves me so much that today, mass started late. i hurried in and (yes! there's a seat for me at my favourite place! unbelievable!) said a Our Father and seconds later mass started.

at that exact moment, i had a feeling that God was waiting for me. He knows i'm coming, He knows i'm late, He knows i don't want to miss anything, and i didn't. i said the angelus before mass, i sang the entrance hymn before mass, and i had a seat at my favourite place.

they say God takes care of everything, do not worry about tomorrow, and i always said the same things to others but today, God has proven to me, that there is totally no need for me to worry even to the smallest details in life because, as i was praying so hard for enlightenment of what should i do for my future, where should i go, now, i worry no more.

because now, i know who holds tomorrow, and i know who holds my hand.

i know

do you know, friend? i can see through your forced cheerfulness. i know that as how you have told me about the shortcomings of others, how you criticised them and judged them, i know you would have done the same thing to me as well. yes actually, i guess the one i am fooling is myself, for thinking that you'd change, for thinking that you would be sincere. there will be a time when you call for help and i will answer, not because i am once again fooled by you, but because even though you mayn't think much of me, i will still treat you as how i would want myself to be treated. 

that is one of the principles i am reminding myself to keep.